


A SUMMER LIKE THAT

by norajjin



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: 1980s, Alternate Universe - Canon, Anal Sex, Barebacking, Bottom Park Jinyoung | Jr., Coming of Age, Crossdressing, Denial of Feelings, Domestic Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung | Jr., First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Foreplay, Fuckbuddies, Genderfluid Character, I'm Going to Hell, Inspired by Novel, Jealousy, M/M, Mild Painplay, Obsession, Plot Twists, Slow Burn, Soft Im Jaebum | JB, Surreal, Swimming Boys, Top Im Jaebum | JB
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-06 11:20:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 17,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15885009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norajjin/pseuds/norajjin
Summary: "He came in Jinyoung's life like the summer solstice and he kept coming back to him each year with the familiar warmth"-----a small town boy like jinyoung doesn't have the ability to wrap his head around the enigma called jaebum. all the suggestive gestures, little swimming trips & a single night makes and breaks the foundation of their relationship. and it takes jinyoung an aching 15 years to be honest to himself and the boy he has always been in love with.maybe he is too late or maybe not.ORJinyoung is a panicked gay and Jaebum is a confident gay.





	1. 1989

**Author's Note:**

> [ i suck at summaries so forgive me ]  
> it's literally inspired by a shitload of lgbt novels i read over the years and you can say it's a self indulgent piece of work. i hope you enjoy it and a few kudos and comments will motivate me to continue. this work does not have any kind of edit because i really dont have time for it.  
> also if you are on wattpad you can find my other works of jj project there. my username is norajjin.
> 
> thank you so much.

Jinyoung wasn't a great swimmer but it never stopped him from going to the creek every hot morning and submerging himself neck deep into the water.

He was 15, life was great being an only child and he didn't care much about finding company because he was pretty happy enjoying his free time alone. His dreams were full of colors and fantasies of distant lands he wished to explore one day, probably after he graduates high school.

However it all changed when grandma Jiyeon next door started having visitors every summer. It was her son and his family who lived in the city and along with them came Jaebum, the grandson.

Jinyoung spotted him from his window one day as he was feeding their cattle and suddenly he had this urge to talk to him. But Jinyoung was clueless. He wasn't sure how to approach Jaebum. His hands were sweating and he was breathing hard and he thought he just might get sick. It scared him.

Boys his age never scared him. He had friends in his school but he wasn't a popular kid. But that didn't mean he was in the bottom of the food chain either.

Jaebum not only scared him with his presence, without even doing anything but he also caused Jinyoung to obsessively peek out of his window day and night to catch a glimpse of him.

His mother would tell him repeatedly about the boy next door who was about his age, his lanky arms were gaining bits of muscles with growing days and his mother would tell him to socialize. Jinyoung wanted to but he couldn't.

__

Should I say hello? 

Should I ask his name?

Where he is from?

How old is he?

He'd often wonder. But he already knew all the answers.

And just like that one morning, Jinyoung was in the water with his eyes closed, listening to the birds chirp in some tree around him. He head a loud splash.

Snapping open his eyes, he spotted Jaebum resurfacing and floating at a distance on his back. He was naked, his boxers discarded on the wooden ramp over the creek. Jinyoung blinked hard, palpitating. Jaebum was swimming towards him and he felt like a cornered prey.

"You are Jinyoung aren't you?"

Jinyoung nods.

"I keep hearing about you from my grandmother. She keeps wondering why you don't visit her in the evening anymore."

Jinyoung comes up with something lame to answer him.

"I have homework."

Jaebum laughs. Jinyoung follows the movement of his accentuated Adam's apple bobbing up and down. The water is dark enough and Jinyoung's eyes can't find the skin and flesh disappearing underneath the surface of water.

"Nobody does homework in summer vacations. I am Jaebum by the way."

"I know."

Jaebum is amused and Jinyoung can tell it by the way Jaebum's eyebrows creases.

"Do you come here to swim often?"

"Yes," Jinyoung hesitates to reply.

He anticipates Jaebum's response to that. Will Jaebum come to the creek everyday now? To swim with him? And will he finally find enough courage to hold a proper conversation with him?

"I am leaving tomorrow Jinyoung. Going back to the city."

That information makes drowns Jinyoung in some form of sorrow. It was almost the end of summer vacations for him as well. He shouldn't be surprised but he wanted Jaebum to stay, just a little longer.

"We will meet next summer, Jinyoung. I hope you will be more chatty by then."

Jaebum laughs and swims away from him. Jinyoung catches his wet frame climbing out of the water and his butt as he pulls up the discarded boxers and looks back at him.

Jaebum waves and leaves.

Jinyoung can't tell how long he stayed in the water like that but by the time he gets out, the sky is over cast with clouds.


	2. 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DON'T HAVE A LIFE.  
> I JUST HAVE JJ PARENTS.  
> I LOVE THEM.  
> PEACE OUT!!
> 
> and happy birthday markipooh!!

He pulls the blade at a wrong angle and cuts himself. He can never do one thing right at one go anyway.

It's a habit. 

A streak of blood races down his chin as Jinyoung winces in pain. He was shaving or more like trying to do it without fucking up every two seconds. His face full of acne scars were not helping him to go through with the shaving ritual of the first sprout of facial hair.

Jinyoung presses a towel to his chin and sighs at his reflection in the mirror.

Then he hears the sound of a vehicle pulling up in the neighborhood.

And with that, the floodgate of memories lost with time opens up and Jinyoung rushes to his window. There he was. Im Jaebum. Making his promised return after a whole year along with his family. 

Jinyoung forgets about the cut on his chin just like he had sort of forgotten Jaebum from last summer. But his arrival refreshes all those brief glances and conversations that they have had. Jinyoung dresses himself neatly, combing and drying his hair.

Past evening, Jinyoung took a big container of kimchi made my his mother for grandma Jiyeon as she was too old to do the hard work that goes behind making it. There was a caretaker who didn't get paid extra for making kimchi atleast.

Jinyoung knocks and a man opens the door. It was Jaebum's father for sure and grandma Jiyeon's son who as usual showed up this summer as well. Jinyoung receives a warm welcome and his eyes shifted to find Jaebum helping his mother to fix the dinner table. Jaebum smiles at him but Jinyoung doesn't. And immediately he regrets not returning the smile because Jaebum's face turns gloomy as well. 

But Jinyoung can't help it. Truth be told, he feels uneasy. Even looking at Jaebum felt unnatural and he couldn't explain why. He was just another boy like him not some three headed dragon with green epidermis spewing fire.

Jaebum still politely invites him to join his family for dinner. Jinyoung makes a quick decision in his head on whether or not it will be wise to refuse eating with them. It might look impolite again.

He says yes and Jaebum's mother fetches another plate for him.

Jinyoung ends up sitting right besides Jaebum and just when he was thinking that Jaebum won't point out the cut on his chin, he does it anyway.

"What happened ?"

A thumb rises up to stroke lightly over the clumsy cut on Jinyoung's skin and that moment Jinyoung feels like he shouldn't have joined them for the dinner. As if he was electrocuted, Jinyoung shoots up and almost knocks the chair back.

"I am sorry I have to leave."

Jinyoung quickly apologizes and leaves four pair of gawking mouths behind him.

While making an exit, he hears grandma Jiyeon giving some explanations on his behalf.

"He is a bit different than boys of his age but he is a nice child. Don't mind him. He'll be fine. Maybe he is anxious because he has to sit with new people and eat."

Wrong.

Jinyoung was anxious because he had to sit beside Jaebum and eat.

That's something he couldn't so and he didn't even know why.

It was severely stupid.


	3. 1991

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by how i fricking drowned twice in my life and how jinyoung wasn't there to rescue me. boo hoo!!

Jinyoung wasted a summer. 

Scratch that, he wasted two summers. 

But this time when Jaebum left for the city, Jinyoung couldn’t forget him like the last time.  
He believes that he owes an apology to Jaebum for ignoring him without any reason. And for that, Jinyoung prepares a card. It’s handmade and childish but he sticks some paper flowers on it, unsure if Jaebum will like it or not. 

A flower, according to popular belief, was a girly concept. Jaebum was a boy for crying out loud so why would he like Jinyoung’s stupid apology card anyway. But Jinyoung felt the loss of his creativity and original idea and soon he heard the now familiar roar of a car engine halting in the neighborhood.

Jinyoung peeks out. He spots Jaebum.  
But he looks a bit different. 

He is taller and boarder. Jinyoung checks out his own body. He wondered if he was even developing or not.   
Finally it was time for him to pick up some courage, take the card on which he spent an entire afternoon and give it to Jaebum. Maybe flash a smile or two, be chatty, be friendly and stop acting like an oddball.

That’s was Jinyoung’s plan.

He finds Jaebum outside late at night, simply strolling around the compound of Jiyeon’s house and Jinyoung can’t have a better opportunity. He had to seize it.

“Jaebum.”

“Oh, hey. Jinyoung,” Jaebum flashes a disarming smile and Jinyoung has half the mind to turn on his heels and get out of there. Screw the apology card.

“What’s in your hand?”

A very observant Jaebum spots it even before Jinyoung can think about hiding it. He had no other option but to give it to Jaebum now.

“This is for you.”

Jaebum looks at it. He flips it over and checks the design a couple of times before opening it.

“What’s this?”

“I am sorry.”

“For what?” Jaebum laughs briefly.

Jinyoung feels the temperature of his body rising in embarrassment. Making a pink card with flowers on it? Couldn’t he do something more idiotic? He knew it was a bad idea.

“For…for being rude to you,” Jinyoung stammers and looks at his feet.

“Rude? I don’t remember you being rude to me. But thanks anyways I guess. You made it yourself?”

What can Jinyoung say? They have barely talked four to five times in the last two years and this being the sixth time perhaps. Jinyoung has never felt so awkward in his life ever before.

“I am just…not good with conversations. I am sorry if I have ever offended you in any way.”

Jaebum shakes his head and laughs. Jinyoung feels even more embarrassed. Perhaps he was laughing at him.  
Jaebum reads the card at last. He even drops a small thank you and says good night. But they agree upon going for a swim the following day.

-  
-  
-

Jinyoung doesn’t know when he sheds his inhibitions and cannonballs into the water naked with Jaebum. Ofcourse it takes Jaebum a couple tries to talk him into doing it but ultimately Jinyoung agrees.  
The water is as cool as even in contrast to the blistering heat. Jinyoung floats carelessly, looking up at the sky devoid of clouds with Jaebum wading through the water nearby.

He can call Jaebum his friend. Even though with his outspoken and bright personality, Jaebum is quiet the city boy unlike him, Jinyoung feels like it’s his own problem that he can’t talk to Jaebum like a normal human being.  
Days and night he had tried to figure out his problem and still he couldn’t get rid of the restlessness which Jaebum sparks in him whenever he is nearby. He feels happy thinking Jaebum had accepted his apology and now the first veil of awkwardness will be lifted from in between them.

Jinyoung snaps out of it when he senses something.

He can’t see Jaebum around. Jinyoung swims to the ramp and finds Jaebum’s shorts along with his. Unless Jaebum ditched him and ran naked for his home, there might be something wrong.

It strikes Jinyoung that Jaebum was swimming just a few hands away from him and suddenly he is not there. Panic rises to his throat and Jinyoung dives deeper into the water without a second thought. He spots a figure, motionless. Jinyoung struggles to reach it, fighting for air himself. Grabbing onto the limbs he pulls Jaebum to the muddy banks somehow.  
Jaebum was out cold. Jinyoung felt like he might pass out as well.

What was he supposed to do?  
He worked solely on instinct. He did all the right procedures of CPR which he had learnt at health education classes in school. Jinyoung’s mouth covered Jaebum’s, pinching his nose shut and blowing air into his lungs until Jaebum came back to life coughing terribly.

His eyes were red rimmed when they blinked open to find Jinyoung’s terrified face in front of him.

“What happened? Are you okay? How did you drown?”

Jaebum smiles at him, looking deep into his eyes and Jinyoung wonders if Jaebum can stare into his soul or not.

“I passed out I think,” Jaebum takes another raspy breath as Jinyoung holds his head up placing a hand behind his neck. “You saved me Jinyoung. Thank you.”

Jinyoung had to say anything to dissolve the awkward silence which followed.

“You are cold. Let’s go home. Enough swimming for one day.”

Jaebum nods but he refuses to let go of Jinyoung’s hand’s which he hold all the way back to their respective homes.


	4. 1992

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jackson made it!!  
> bambam partied!!  
> youngjae thought nobody knows!!  
> and jinyoung went back to his youth!!
> 
> and i posted a chapter so enjoy!!!  
> please do leave your comments and kudos behind thank you !!

Jaebum's drowning incident from last summer becomes a closely guarded secret of Jinyoung and Jaebum. As the city boy's arrival for the summer approaches near, Jinyoung looks forwards to it with a new found anticipation.

Several things had happened in his life while Jaebum was gone. He won't lie that he had considered writing Jaebum letters to have some chit chat but then he had dropped the idea quickly. He had so much to tell Jaebum but he wasn't sure where to start.

Atleast Jaebum won't complain him of being quiet sky kid anymore.

They hang out together for the first time in Jinyoung's room. He is quiet uncomfortable inviting people into his room as it wasn't particularly tidy all the time but he still manages to put away the dirty laundry and arrange his bed and desk.

Jaebum looks around, not giving away much with his expressions as he picks up a book from his desk without asking. Jinyoung had dogeared it because he was reading it last night.

"So you read fiction?" Jaebum asked, flipping through the pages and stopping at the point where Jinyoung had paused last night.

"Yes. do You like reading as well?" Jinyoung asks with a bit of hesitation.

Just like every other time he wasn't sure why he keep acting awkward all the time.

The Catcher In The Rye in hardcover catches Jaebum's attention. He mentions how he has already read the book and finds it quiet boring. At that statement, Jinyoung senses a resentment. He actually loved the book until that point but he hasn't finished it yet so he couldn't tell if Jaebum was joking or not.

They talk about various things, sipping from cartons of apple juice Jaebum had brought with him. One thing leads to the other and Jinyoung ends up jumping to a recent incident in his life.

"I went on a date for the first time, with a girl from my class actually."

Jinyoung feels like Jaebum is side eyed judging him so he continues talking anyway.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No. I don't."

Jinyoung wants to laugh at the blatant lie. It simply couldn't be. A boy like Jaebum can't be single or atleast he might have had casual flings which he wasn't willing to share with Jinyoung. He decided not to pry further, thinking that it might put him in an awkward position.

Jaebum was still staring at him weird as Jinyoung tried to put the book back from the stack on his desk.

"So do you have a girlfriend?" Jaebum questions him back this time.

"Uh, no. Not really. I just went on a date with her and..." 

He pauses at the right time. Still unsure if he should share what followed with Jaebum. But Jaebum was his friend right? Who would show up each summer and leave Jinyoung in his increasingly chaotic head space? Right? Then he should have a little boy talk with him atleast just like he does with the rest of his mates from school. 

"We kissed."

Jinyoung's simple admission puts a strange frown on Jaebum's forehead which he can't explain.

"Did you like it?" 

Jinyoung looks up, standing an arm length away from him, thinking a hundred times before answering him.

"Yes, I guess. I don't know if it could have been better or worse, it was my first kiss after all."

At that Jaebum has a passive aggressive smile on his face as he gets up from Jinyoung's bed and heads towards the door. Jinyoung automatically follows behind him.

"First kiss huh? Are you sure that was your first kiss?"

And as Jaebum exits, leaving behind a frozen Jinyoung whose mind races back to the last summer and what Jaebum was implying. He was back on the muddy banks of the stream, his face hovering above an unconscious Jaebum, their lips mere inches apart. 

He remember the way he had joined their lips to blow air into his lungs. He remembered it before his name, his address and identity and right then and there, everything changed for him.


	5. 1993 (part one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how are you still alive reading this? aren't you supposed to die with Jaebum's solo?  
> bitch i am typing from mah grave!!  
> enjoy this sweet chapter anyway!!  
> gosh i am so evil!! i love the slow burn!! dont you?

The first thing that blooms within Jinyoung after the summer of 1992 is shame, followed by self hatred and fear. He simply can’t wrap his head around the fact that Jaebum’s departure that year had hurt him so bad that he was unable to get over it for the rest of the months. 

He had tried hanging out with his school friends post their graduation, he had tried dating girls but none of that amused him. So he had taken up a part time job at a grocery shop, working at the stocking unit to make a small amount of cash.  
Not only that, he was straight up uncomfortable while being in public when he’d absent mindedly think about Jaebum and how his body reacted to it.

Jinyoung wanted to talk to someone so badly but he was not confident enough to confide into someone.  
What if people start laughing at him or worse, they start hating him for thinking about a boy like he wasn’t supposed to?

He’d swim alone and terribly miss Jaebum’s company for the rest of the summer and start crying in the dead of the night thinking about how Jaebum might have taunted him openly about his supposed first kiss before leaving.

So this time when Jaebum’s routine arrival draws near, Jinyoung makes up his mind to talk to Jaebum about it. He was willing to risk his friendship but if that meant taking the load off his chest, he was ready for it.  
But when Jaebum arrived he was struck down by fever. The doctor said it was viral fever and it might take him some time to recover. Jinyoung couldn’t get a glimpse of that boy ever since he had shown up.

“Don’t get close to Jaebum,” his mother said. “Just for a few days darling, then you two can swim and hang out like usual. See, the fever is communicable and being near him might get you sick as well.”

His mother was right in her own place but Jinyoung wanted to see it for himself. Under some kind of crazy impulsion, he ended up climbing into Jaebum’s room post midnight. It was wrong and whatever he was doing did not make any sense but he just wanted to see Jaebum for once. He peeked in through his window. Using the strong vines growing by the walls of grandma Jiyeon’s house, Jinyoung supported himself to reach up.  
The fiberglass panel was pulled down which was easy to lift up anyway. Praying to god, Jinyoung climbed it as quietly as possible through the window.

He heard Jaebum groaning lowly, hiding somewhere under the covers. Unsure about what he was doing, Jinyoung tiptoed around the bed and crouched down in front of Jaebum’s face which was peeking out from under the duvet.  
“Jae- Jaebum.”

Jinyoung whispered once but the other boy didn’t respond. He tried again and this time Jaebum finally parted his eyes open briefly.

“Jinyoung? What…”

“How are you?”

Jaebum just squints at Jinyoung’s face with glassy eyes framed by dark circles.

“Am I dreaming?”

“No. I am here. For real. You can check.”

And with that, Jinyoung reached out with shaky fingers to touch Jaebum lightly over his burning forehead. A little louder groan escapes his lips upon the contact.

“Did you climb in through the window?” Jaebum smiles briefly, pulling the duvet a bit away from his face.  
Jinyoung looks down. The moonlight from the window was enough for them and Jinyoung could still sense that Jaebum was trying to search for an answer in his quietness.

“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done this but…”

“But?”

“I just…I just wanted to see you. I was worried about you,” he murmurs.

Jaebum tries to laugh perhaps but coughs instead and Jinyoung panics. What if someone shows up to check on him and find Jinyoung there? So he grabs the bottle of water from the night stand and goes ahead to help Jaebum drink it. He hooks a hand under Jaebum’s neck lifting it up slightly to put the bottle against his lips. Jaebum takes a small sip and turns his head away. Jinyoung insists him to drink a bit more.

“Jinyoung-ah, you might get sick as well. You shouldn’t be here,” Jaebum croaks out, pulling the cover back over half of his face.  
Jinyoung felt a sense of rejection which he wasn’t supposed to feel anyway. 

He is mildly upset as well that Jaebum didn’t want him anywhere near him for whatever reason it might be. Jinyoung wonders if Jaebum had grown bored of the company of some small town boy he used to swim with each summer.

He might have come off as a bit harsh as he got up on his feet again, ready to leave from the same way he entered.

“If you don’t want me around you, just put it straight and tell me to leave. Whether or not I get sick, it’s none of your concern.”

Oh if only Jinyoung knew that Jaebum had a fitting comeback ready for him, he should have kept his mouth shut.

“Just like me being sick isn’t supposed to be your concern either right? And yet, here you are Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum speaks slowly with a generous amount of pauses to take shallow breaths but he gets the point across anyway.

Jinyoung is pretty much mortified. He is thankful that in the brief light, Jaebum can’t clearly see his face or else he would have definitely asked why Jinyoung was looking like he had just seen ten horror movies on a loop.

“I am sorry for coming here like this. I’ll just leave.”

“No don’t. Just stay.”

Four words and it automatically brought Jinyoung back down on his knees crouching at the side of Jaebum’s bed. This time when Jaebum spoke there was something strange in his voice, something Jinyoung had never heard before.

“I like it when you are close to me Jinyoung-ah.”

Under the moonlight, surrounded by Jaebum fever induced ramblings and the sound of mingled breaths, Jinyoung finds his first bout of happiness. Maybe Jaebum was saying it all under the influence of the soaring temperature but Jinyoung didn’t care.  
He liked whatever he heard.

“I missed you,” Jinyoung whispered in return.

“So did I,” Jaebum said.

Jinyoung threw away his judgmental mindset at once and sat up on the small of Jaebum’s bed side, his hand flattening over Jaebum’s temple. He almost winces as the heat punctured through the pores of his skin and caused Jinyoung to pull back his hand for a while but he places it back on Jaebum’s head again.

“My god, I think the fever is spiking. Wait I’ll…”

Jinyoung fishes out his handkerchief and soaks it well with some water from the bottle and he puts it on Jaebum’s forehead. Pressing a palm over the cloth, Jinyoung’s brought his face closer.

“I hope this makes you feel better.”

He tried to smile, to give Jaebum hope but instead he was plunged into a strange atmosphere because Jaebum won’t stop trying to penetrate into his mind, not even when he was sick. 

“Do you know what makes me feel better?” Jaebum mumbles.

“What? Is there anything I can do?”

Jinyoung wished he hadn’t said it atleast.

“Will you let me be closer to you? Will you lie down with me?”

Jinyoung is torn between wanting to refuse and wanting to accept the invitation. What was Jaebum trying to say? What does he mean?

“Unless you are afraid that you’ll contract the fever. But I guess, you are not because despite of all the people telling you to keep your distance from me, you came here.”

Well Jaebum had a point. Jinyoung wasn’t afraid of getting sick anyway. He lets out a sigh and with that, he let go of his hesitations as well.

He climbed into the bed with him, right under Jaebum’s duvet, snaking an arm over his burning skin to rub circles on Jaebum’s back. They lied looking each other into the eye, breath fanning each other’s face and Jinyoung soaking in the excruciating amount of warmth from Jaebum’s body.


	6. 1993 ( part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one chapter is not enough!!  
> i am high on my custom brand of drug called JJP !!  
> so here you go...
> 
> i am so bad at writing anything close to intimacy but please forgive me.!!

Jinyoung didn’t realize when his hands have travelled far up behind Jaebum’s neck which has started to sweat a little bit. Jinyoung being the healthy one could realize that getting under a duvet during the summer is like a punishment. He sweats profusely and the humidity is too much under the covers.

He kicks off the duvet and finds Jaebum sound asleep. A silver of his neck and collarbone peeked out from where his tshirt had parted away a little bit.

Jinyoung rests his torso on his elbows and studies the plains of Jaebum’s sun kissed skin or whatever was visible to him.  
He has this sudden desire to touch Jaebum, caress him or maybe just see what it feels like to rub his lips on the valley of his neck right below his Adam’s apple.

What Jinyoung fails to notice is that Jaebum wasn’t sleeping at all. He merely had his eyes closed for a span of time. Sleeping was a difficult task for him marinating in his own temperature.  
Jinyoung is drawn closer and closer to Jaebum’s neck by some invisible force until his face hovers above Jaebum’s shoulders.

“What are you looking at?”

Jinyoung is alarmed at that voice and he shoots away at an instant, almost falling off the single bed.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? You lie Jinyoung and not too well.”

Jinyoung bites down on his lips. How can he ever lie to that face? How can he ever tell Jaebum that he likes him more than just a friend? 

At first Jinyoung was fully prepared but after stepping into his room, he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to let go of this friendship or whatever he had with Jaebum in exchange of making a dumb confession to him. But then Jaebum says things and does things, which confuses Jinyoung but he has no means to clarify his doubts.

“Come here.”

Jaebum was soon putting a shaky hand out, wrapping it behind Jinyoung’s neck and pulling him closer to his chest. Jinyoung had started to believe that Jaebum was being delusional at its best. Jaebum was sick and Jinyoung wasn’t sure he himself was okay either.

Jinyoung doesn’t resist. He places his ears over Jaebum’s chest, his heart beating frantically covered by layers of bones, flesh and clothing. Jinyoung feels Jaebum is trying to say something but he can’t form it into words.  
Jinyoung looks up, finds Jaebum sighing in some form of contentment. It was a test of his boldness which he didn’t know about a couple days back. But this time he was the one drowning and Jaebum was his lifeboat.

Jinyoung moved his body up a bit, Jaebum’s eyes fixated on each of his movements. As Jinyoung trembled to undo the first two buttons of Jaebum’s shirt, Jaebum helped him by undoing the third button himself. Jinyoung lies on his side, exchanging awkward and hesitant looks between Jaebum’s deep hooded eyes and his partly exposed chest.

He traces Jaebum’s skin with his pointer and stops above his collarbone.

“Go on,” Jaebum encourages.

As if Jaebum was inside his head and he was maneuvering all of Jinyoung’s actions because otherwise Jinyoung couldn’t even dream of doing anything he was doing at that point.

He functions on a kind of sixth sense. So Jinyoung just goes ahead to press his lips over Jaebum’s collarbone. He moves his head away for a while and then goes back, trailing small and light kisses down his collarbone and reaches over his pecs.   
Jinyoung pauses momentarily, bringing up a finger to rub at Jaebum’s nipple getting amazed as the nub hardens in front of his eyes and then he looks back at Jaebum who has his mouth slightly parted open in a low moan. Jinyoung looks at him like a guilty person invading someone’s privacy but Jaebum frees him off his guilt and strokes his fingers through Jinyoung’s hair.  
“Jinyoung,” Jaebum moans and with that Jinyoung just bids farewell to his last of inhibitions and restraints.  
He dives down with his mouth closing around Jaebum’s nipple, sucking onto it lightly, occasionally rubbing at it with the pad of his finger, lapping over it with his tongue until he loses the track of time. 

Tasting the salt from his skin was like an aphrodisiac.  
Jinyoung wasn’t there in his head. He had let Jaebum in to play with his free will. And he savored how Jaebum was moaning his name shamelessly at that point. This is the kind of intimacy that was missing from his life. This is what Jinyoung desired secretly.  
His only splinter of conscience returns when Jaebum’s starts slowly grinding his crotch against Jinyoung’s thighs. He stops licking at Jaebum’s skin to concentrate on the hardness rubbing at his legs.

Jinyoung jumps out of the bed at once, backing away until he couldn’t’ anymore because there was a wall behind him.  
A hand clasped over his mouth, Jinyoung keeps reminding himself how to breathe. 

What was he doing?

What they’ve done?

Jaebum briefly rose up on his elbows, grimacing as he did so. The portion of his bare chest still glistening with Jinyoung’s spit. He looked at Jinyoung with a question in his eyes as if he wanted to say- Why did you stop?

“Jaebum, I am sorry… We shouldn’t… “

Jinyoung couldn’t finish his sentence. He was swiftly putting on his shoes and rushing towards the window.

“Jinyoung. Please, don’t go. Jinyoung stop.”

But Jinyoung was already making his way down the vines and soon he was back into the safety of his room.  
As realization came streaming in Jinyoung fisted at his hair and threw the pillows from his bed to the far end of his room.  
What the actual fuck was he doing with Jaebum anyway?

And that’s how that summer ended for both of them. Jaebum’s visit to the town was cut short due to his illness and he was transported back to the city. Jinyoung couldn’t meet him to say goodbye this time. He just wasn’t brave enough to face him anymore. 

But with Jaebum’s departure, Jinyoung fell sick soon after.

“Viral fever,” the doctor said.

And Jinyoung’s mother couldn’t figure out how that happened.


	7. 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave your comments and kudos :)  
> will encourage me a lot to continue this :)  
> thank you

The summer of 1994 flipped Jinyoung’s life over and not for anything good.

One morning he came back from a lonely swim and found a moderate crowd gathering in the yard of grandma Jiyeon’s house. It took him less than a minute to figure out what had happened when he saw his mother and father among the crowd as well. His mother was crying bitterly. She went ahead and hugged Jinyoung.

Grandma Jiyeon had passed away a couple hours ago. Jinyoung knew what it meant. He wasn’t stupid enough to not expect Jaebum’s arrival ahead of its time. It’s was a summer like no other and Jinyoung felt that things were about to change for him. A funeral was arranged soon after, consisting family friends and some close neighbors. Grandma Jiyeon was put to rest in her grave and Jinyoung’s palms kept slipping against one another due to the precipitation. Jaebum was there but he wasn’t a part of the kinsmen gathered in the living room of grandma Jiyeon’s house where they exchanged old memories of the deceased lady and sobbed occasionally.

So he climbed up the stairs, straight upto the room where he has last been to check onto Jaebum when he was sick. Dressed in neat tuxedo, hair slightly unkempt and the top most button of his shirt undone, Jaebum sat on the window ledge, looking out towards the far horizon.

The door was slightly ajar and Jinyoung could peek in like a creep all day long, drink at the sight of the sad and solemn boy who wouldn’t even look his way. But Jinyoung was wrong. He might not have knocked at the door but somehow, Jaebum became aware of his presence. He simply turned his head towards the door, catching Jinyoung off guard as their eyes locked and Jinyoung started fidgeting with the door knob. He couldn’t make up his mind if he should enter or not. Jaebum haven’t popped an invitation yet but Jinyoung thought it might be the right thing to do by expressing his condolences personally.

Truth be told, Jinyoung had done practically everything he was capable of to erase his encounter with Jaebum, to make it seem like nothing but an accident which happened during their weakest moment.

**“Sometimes when people get horny they fuck into everything. You know what I mean right ?” – one of the school boys Jinyoung used to hang out with had left his company with these parting words. Jinyoung believed that. It was normal. It happens between girls as well or during the times when people play spin- the- bottle and they have to kiss someone on dare.**

Jinyoung entered the room slowly, closing the door behind him. He stands a good distance away from Jaebum. The bed between them creates a barrier.

“I am sorry for your loss. She was a caring grandmother to me as well.”

Jaebum’s intense frown had scared Jinyoung so he looked down at his unpolished oxfords instead.

“I thought you wouldn’t even show up,” Jaebum said with a scoff.

Jinyoung retorted back immediately.

“Ofcourse I would. She was close to our family as well.”

“Well since you jumped out of the window last time so I thought you might have died or something or maybe you drowned.”

Whatever Jaebum was trying to do, Jinyoung wasn’t having any of it. He knew this, he saw it coming. Talking to Jaebum wasn’t supposed to be easy since they parted on a sort of bitter note last year.

“I know how to swim,” Jinyoung mumbled, still looking down.

“Sure you do. But you don’t know how to swim out of your closet. You just might let it flood over your head as you suffocate and die.”

Jinyoung’s tongues got tied for real that time as he looked up. Jaebum was pitying his churned up mentality perhaps or maybe trying to coax him into doing something Jinyoung wasn’t ready to do.

“What do you mean?”

“Really, Jinyoung? Exactly how dumb are you?”

“I am not…not dumb,” Jinyoung pressed his voice. No he wasn’t standing there, getting humiliated for nothing. But his feet had grown roots and he was unable to walk out.

“Yes you are. You are the dumbest boy I’ve ever met in my life. You just can’t look me in the eye and say only one thing that matters.”

Jinyoung looks him in the eye right then and there but he stops himself from saying anything. Maybe he wanted to say something dramatic or cheesy, maybe something deep was urging to crawl out of his mouth but he resisted it all. He wanted to say a lot of things but he never solved the puzzle of why he couldn’t say the right thing at the right moment.

 

**I missed you.**

**I want to touch you again.**

**I want to be close to you.**

**I don’t want you to look at me like I am a criminal.**

**And I want to hear it once again, I want to hear you say how you like it when I am close to you.**

**I want to hear you moaning my name Jaebum.**

 

Nothing comes out of Jinyoung’s mouth anyway except a silent sigh.

Jaebum might have had enough of Jinyoung’s silence, his ambiguous glances, words and behavior. So he bumped past Jinyoung’s shoulder as he walked away from the window. Jaebum pulled out something from his large stack of luggage and Jinyoung’s eyes focused on something else for the first time since entering Jaebum’s room. Jaebum and his family had never brought so many stuffs while they visited or maybe they are taking these bags away with them? What is going on? Jinyoung wonders. Jaebum held out the apology card in front of Jinyoung’s face all of a sudden and the other boy was taken aback by the pristine condition of the handmade card.

“I went through what you wrote in this Jinyoung. Not once or twice but sometimes five times a day. And then I always stopped at the glittering heart sign you had put beside – **I am sorry, Jinyoung**. Why did you put it there huh?”

It was an absurd question, atleast for Jinyoung. He was seventeen and he lacked creativity. He thought about some starts, spirals and heart shapes but he didn’t particularly stress about putting the heart against his name. It was just naturally there.

“It’s just a card, Jaebum.”

“Bullshit.”

Last time he poured his heart out to Jinyoung, he was sick and then he made Jinyoung sick which he never complained about by the way. Now, Jaebum was overtaken by the grief of losing his grandmother and god knows what else. Maybe he was right, Jinyoung thought he had the answer to all of Jaebum’s questions and accusations but he was too dumb to admit the truth. Alas, he wasn’t ready for any of that. Not even for the tears glistening at the corner of Jaebum’s eyes.

In a flurry of movements which Jinyoung couldn’t register, he was pushed against the wall and Jaebum was almost hoisting him up by his collars. Jinyoung kicks and struggles but Jaebum proves to be stronger than him.

“Six years Jinyoung. It has been six years. How many more years will you take to accept that you love me? That you want me just like I want you. What are you afraid of?” Jinyoung is stunned. His throat dries, his brain stops functioning and he can’t process anything anymore.

 

**I am afraid of what we will become together.**

**I am afraid of what I’ll become after you leave me one day to go back to your city life.**

**I am afraid of the way people will look at me as I will forever stay stuck in this small town.**

**I am afraid of having you for myself knowing that there is a high chance that it won’t last a lifetime.**

**You will leave me Jaebum.**

**You will leave me one day, just like every other summer and it will be fruitless to look at the empty roads and wait for you.**

**Soon it will be winter and you will take away all the warmth along with you and never comeback.**

 

Jinyoung was never someone who would take risks and cross his fingers to hope for the best. He played safe and Jaebum was nowhere in his timeline six years back. But then Im Jaebum showed up and messed it all.

“You are mistaken Jaebum. I am sorry, I am…I never meant to do anything I did last year. I was dumb, yes you are right I was dumb.”

Jinyoung said his last words and Jaebum broke down in front of him. But Jinyoung couldn’t find the strength to push Jaebum away as he rested his forehead on Jinyoung’s shoulder and hopelessly sobbed for a while. Jinyoung’s tux is wet at a spot when Jaebum lifts up his head. Jinyoung was almost about to crush him to his chest but Jaebum pulled away the last moment. His eyes were rimmed red.

He inhaled audibly, pinched Jinyoung’s face between his pointer and thumb and just pressed their lips together in a heated but brief kiss. It was over even before Jinyoung could experience the shock or recover from it. Jinyoung face was roughly pushed away and he stumbled towards the door, failing to keep his balance.

“You don’t have to see my face again and I pray I don’t have to see yours.”

A door gets slammed on Jinyoung’s face.

Grandma Jiyeon’s house is auctioned off.

The Im family transports the valuable belongings of grandma Jiyeon back to the city.

And Jaebum leaves this time, gifting Jinyoung the seemingly endless winters of his life.


	8. 1995

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please check out my new full length jjp story- savage kingdom as well.
> 
> i hope you will enjoy it as well as this story!!
> 
> thank you

The summer that follows up in Jinyoung’s life is drier than the Mojave desert. He never goes back to swim nor does he makes attempts to contact the friend he has lost.

Jinyoung suffers in silence, without the knowledge of his parents and peers.

When he steps foot into the only college available in their province, Jinyoung realizes that the world is a much bigger place than him and Jaebum.

With his summer affair gone wrong totally forgotten, Jinyoung looks up to start his life afresh knowing that Jaebum will never look back to where he used to visit. There was nothing left at grandma Jiyeon’s house which can remind Jinyoung of its past inhabitants. It was sold to a businessman who was planning to tear down the house and invest in rearing pigs on the plot.

So, Jinyoung moved on or atleast he tried to, with occasional flashbacks of him and Jaebum swimming together coming back to haunt him.

He made friends and tried dating girls once again. Jinyoung knew he did not particularly fall in the ruggedly handsome category of boys which were popularly preferred by girls of his college. But he also knew that he didn’t fall in the category of ugly specimens either. And Jinyoung doesn’t face much problem asking out girls to accompany him for nigh outs and dates.

Jinyoung wonders if Jaebum has been doing the same. Jinyoung wonders if Jaebum has forgotten about him just like he was trying to forget about him in return.

But fate had cruel ways to remind him that no matter how much he tries, he isn’t capable of filling out the Jaebum sized hole in his heart. Jinyoung would sigh often, tell himself that it’s all for the greater good in both of their lives because who wants to fall in love with the proximity of suffering a heartbreak at any given point of their relationship?

Park Jinyoung was cautious and careful and he didn’t want to become a social outcast.

And just like that, fate showed its cruelty once again.

His whole class was taken to the city for a stupid excursion in a maritime museum and Jinyoung had to sit through hours of bus ride hearing people complain about how they felt like kindergarten kids on a field trip.

Jinyoung was sitting with Chaeyoung, probably one of the prettiest girls in the college whom he has been dating for over a month now. She fits well with Jinyoung. Jinyoung admires her thoughtful nature and bubbly personality. He likes her company in total and ponders upon the future of their relationship.

Avoiding the eyes of her friends, Chaeyoung places a quick kiss on the corner of Jinyoung’s mouth to which he smiles back at her and places his hand over her shoulders. A gesture of being the perfect protective gentleman and boyfriend.

When they reach the location and Chaeyoung takes his hand to wander off from the batch, Jinyoung was least expecting them to end up at the backdoors of the museum.

It was barren and when Chaeyoung gave him that particular look full of expectation, Jinyoung was momentarily confused. But she made herself comfortable in his arms which were encircled around her waist.

She leans in for a kiss which had the chances of escalating to something more.

“Not here,” Jinyoung turns his face away and begins pulling both of them back inside.

“Come on. Don’t you ever wanna do something adventurous baby?”

Her tone has a certain amount of mischief crammed in. Jinyoung has heard it a couple of times before. Mostly when Chaeyoung wanted to get more intimate with him.

“Yeah sure but not here. We are in public.”

Chaeyoung huffs in disappointment and Jinyoung takes her wrist and starts making their way inside. But she is one determined girl and Jinyoung should have known.

She takes the chance of Jinyoung’s distraction and pushes him against the concrete wall, smashing her lips to his and Jinyoung gasps into her mouth in surprise. Torn between wanting to push her away and continuing their kiss, Jinyoung decides to enjoy it for a while nonetheless.

That doesn’t quiet go as per plan.

He opens his eyes in the middle of the kiss. Something tells him that they were not alone anymore and the opening sound of the backdoor assures Jinyoung that they definitely weren’t alone.

Jinyoung looks at a figure from the corner of his eyes, standing by the door. His lips keep moving against Chaeyoung until Jinyoung finally recognizes the spectator as Jaebum.

Their eyes meet and Jinyoung feel like he has been run over by a fourteen wheeler and he panics. Pushing off Chaeyoung in a rather disrespectful fashion, Jinyoung turns at Jaebum.

Jaebum does nothing except flashing a dry smile and he disappears inside the building.

Chaeyoung sounds hurt and insulted at that.

“What’s wrong with you Jinyoung?”

She never manages to notice the third person’s appearance and what that third person has to do with Jinyoung either. She just tucks a lock of her hair behind her ears and sniffles her way back inside the building. Jinyoung doesn’t follow her either.

He stays at the back for a moment, breathing heavily, trying to debunk Jaebum’s out of the blue appearance in the museum and then goes back inside to join his batch.

The whole bus ride home Jinyoung rolls over two information he had gathered due to desperation.

One, Jaebum was interning at the museum under an expert. Two, Jaebum had seen him kissing a girl.

Jinyoung wasn’t sure anymore, he wasn’t sure what his primary concern was anymore. But Chaeyoung effectively grew distant from his since that day as they went back to their college.

 

 


	9. 1996

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys i hope you are enjoying this story!!
> 
> also please check out my other jjp fanfic in the profile called - savage kingdom.  
> i hope you will enjoy all the angsty domestic jjp fest there as well.

It starts when Jinyoung walks into a bar and he finds Jaebum, with a girl. He laughs at his fate but he can’t overlook Jaebum laughing with the girl, giggling like a shy child at some of her jokes perhaps, occasionally reaching out to tuck a lock of her hair behind her ears.

Jinyoung walks out without grabbing his drink. He knew it was a calculative risk. Moving to the city with a new job as a preschool teacher was like scoring half of his dream but he also knew that bumping into Jaebum in this crowd was unlikely but not impossible.

And that’s what exactly happened, not once but twice in a matter of weeks.

Jinyoung ultimately figured it out that Jaebum frequented a particular bar and even though his mind warned him to stay away from that location, Jinyoung found his feet carrying him to the said location every evening.

Jinyoung never entered the bar. He’d stand at the far end of the opposite street, mostly under the shed of a bus stop and look on and on without a purpose.

The glass windows helped him get a better view and the traffic became him camouflage. But at the end of every night, Jinyoung would come back to his apartment and sob bitterly only to return to his unhealthy evening habit of stalking Jaebum.

_**Stalker.** _

That’s what he has become without a doubt and Jinyoung berated himself for losing his sense of self respect and moral decency but he couldn’t even control himself for doing childish things at the age of 24.

And he questions Jaebum silently, giving him long strained looks of unfulfilled longings and resentment. A part of him wanted to walk upto Jaebum and apologize to him, expecting some sort of closure because Jinyoung felt their last two encounters were severely ugly.

But the other part of him puts shackles around his body, roots him to a spot and prevents his movements. His apology meant two things.

One, Jinyoung would apologize and they will part ways without any complications. Two, Jinyoung will apologize and Jaebum will misinterpret it all over again. Just like he did when Jinyoung allowed them to get intimate in a whim.

And Jaebum kissed him once, shoved his face away and told him that he never wishes to see Jinyoung’s face again. Somewhere deep down, Jinyoung swore he would keep his promise and never show his face to Jaebum for real.

Jaebum however turned up at the exact same museum as him and decided to just follow his ass out of the backdoor and find him making out with Chaeyoung. Jinyoung could never forget the look in his eyes, the smile of sadness dancing on his lips as he left.

The previous summer went away and so did Chaeyoung. Jinyoung tried to move on from both but he succeeded with only one.

So in one of his weekend escapades where he did nothing but sit under the shed and observe Jaebum’s features and expressions from afar, he found a shock of a change. He couldn’t register when Jaebum had lean in to kiss his regular female companion on her cheeks which turned into a passionate kiss with a bat of his eye lash.

Jinyoung had one of his hands resting on his thigh and his finger automatically dug into his own flesh hard enough to shoot a surge of pain up his muscles. And what hurt him worse was the way Jaebum pulled away from her lips with a genuine smile on his face.

That threw Jinyoung in a shallow grave and hammered the last nail in his coffin.

He got up and walked away immediately before suffering a mental breakdown in public.

When Jinyoung reached his apartment, he didn’t bother turning on the lights, he didn’t bother washing his face caked with sweat, dirt and tears. He fell face first into his bed asking himself the most important question of his life.

_**Why had he wanted to reject Jaebum when the boy was handing himself to Jinyoung on a silver platter?** _

Maybe because he was not strong enough to get his heart broken by a city boy who could disappear from his life any moment? That’s what exactly happened with grandma Jiyeon’s death. What would he have done when Jaebum confessed his feelings to him? Say yes and then let him go with the hopes of getting together in some uncertain future? Wouldn’t that have been worse?

Jinyoung laughs through his tears at his yesteryear’s dilemma. On top of that, hasn’t Jaebum mentioned how he would prefer not to see Jinyoung’s despising face ever in his life?

Jinyoung spirals into depression eventually. He stops seeking out Jaebum at the bar and he stops showing up at his job, knowing all too well that reality won’t be kind to him.


	10. 1997

 

Jinyoung saw it coming. The first month into a new year gives Jinyoung his first setback in life. He loses his job eventually. It was something he had worked hard for and he just lets it slip through like grains of sand in an hourglass. He doesn’t tell his family about it, knowing that his parents won’t receive the news lightly.

There will be a hundred questions to answer.

Now Jinyoung finds himself as a young man in his mid twenties, depressed, confused and lonely. To sum it all up, a lost cause. It was funny that the root of all his miseries was thriving in his life perhaps and Jinyoung was trying to piece back his own in vain while dwelling in a rundown apartment.

Jinyoung knows that wallowing won’t pay the bills or fill his stomach so he goes out to find a meager job as a busboy in a restaurant. He hates it but he does it anyway. _It’s less stressful,_ he convinces himself. Cleaning dirty dishes day in and day out was like trying to scrape off the thoughts of a certain boy. No matter how many times you clean a batch, the plates keep piling up every day.

Jinyoung knows he is a misfit even when he works in the corner of a kitchen. The looks he gets from the chefs and waiters and at times the customers, tells him that they often wonder how a boy like Jinyoung had ended up doing odd jobs like these.

Sometimes Jinyoung would fill in as a waiter as well in the days when there is a shortage of staff. He feels he is doing okay, believes that he is living a simple life where he doesn’t have any expectations nor does anyone expect anything from him.

He calls his mother and lies about how his day in the preschool was like. His mother believes him.

But the world is a small place and before Jinyoung can breathe in relief, he crosses paths with Jaebum once again.

And it happened to be one of the days when Jinyoung was filling in as a waiter. Jinyoung wiped his face clean with the apron he wore and grabbed his notepad and pen to collect the orders from the new customers.

Jinyoung almost had the impulse to run away at once when he stands in front of the first table and finds Jaebum sitting all by himself. No company.

Their eyes meet once again and Jinyoung can tell that Jaebum is more shocked than him. They don’t say anything and Jinyoung decides to maintain the so called professionalism.

“Your orders, sir.”

Jaebum is still gawking at him but he opens the menu and orders his food like a normal customer anyway. Jinyoung jots everything down with shaky hands and scurries to the kitchen counter at once. He takes a moment to breathe and decide if it’s a good idea to drop a casual inquiry about how Jaebum has been? And he decides against it.

Jinyoung returns with his food anyway and finds Jaebum still staring at him like a hawk. He places the food down on the table and carefully takes a look at Jaebum’s attire. He is in a suit, all neat and expensive. His hair is combed and parted with few strands falling over his forehead. The twin moles over his eyes rest beautifully as ever and Jinyoung has to stop himself from staring at it shamelessly. Jinyoung was always self conscious around Jaebum when they were just teenagers. And now Jinyoung tries to assess his own clothes and shabby look in the window reflection.

_Jinyoung is finally what he thinks and feels like._

_A complete shit._

“I believe Park Jinyoung didn’t come to the city to wait tables.”

Jaebum doesn’t make it sound like a question. It’s more like a statement and Jinyoung doesn’t know to respond to that. Their social standards never matched anyway and it was more amplified now. So he simply starts walking away with the tray in which he had brought in the food.

“Yeah walk away. Typical.”

Jinyoung hears Jaebum’s scoff behind his back and he is already sweating ungracefully at that point. So he asks another guy to go collect the payment when Jaebum is done eating. From the porthole of the kitchen door, Jinyoung watches Jaebum walking out of the restaurant as a sleek black car arrives right at the entrance to pick him up.

 


	11. 1998

The year was 1998 and Jinyoung had already switched from his old job in the restaurant in the hopes of not bumping into Jaebum again. And then Jinyoung was trying to get back to his old life, filling out applications at schools for jobs. He had little hope but after collecting himself and confronting his inner demons, Jinyoung decided that all of his complications related to Jaebum weren’t worth wasting his life for.

And hence he was back to school, teaching primary school kids after an episode of washing dishes at restaurants and taking time to rethink his life decisions. But the same old fate was determined to force Jaebum into the gaping holes of his heart and so Jinyoung crossed paths with him, in a not so pleasant encounter yet again.

Jinyoung gets invited by the school’s principal to a modest ceremony of his 13th marriage anniversary and he goes there with a relatively cheerful mood, carrying a huge bouquet.

And there he was. Im Jaebum, looking dapper in a suit, the carefree teenage vibes lost from his face and replaced by the aura of a refined man of business. Jinyoung tried to look away to avoid an eye contact but he wasn’t fast enough. And being mutual guests of the principal, Jinyoung just couldn’t excuse himself easily just to stay away from Jaebum.

When the champagne bottles were popped open and Jaebum bared his gleaming white teeth to join the celebration, Jinyoung became a spectator from afar.

_Just like he always was. A complete misfit, a silent wallflower._

The principal came to chat up with Jinyoung briefly but left as soon as he was occupied with much more important guests.

Jinyoung desperately needed some fresh air to breathe properly so he sees himself out to the rooftop of the hotel where the party was thrown.

And once again the unavoidable Jaebum was already there, a bottle of champagne in his grip and drinking straight out of it. Jinyoung feels that he was drinking too much and watching Jaebum standing by the guard rails of the roof still made him anxious. So he gritted his teeth and approached him anyway.

“If you step away from the edge and finish that bottle, it’ll be better you know.”

Jaebum whips his head at Jinyoung, boring down his red rimmed eyes at him. Jinyoung could see how drunk he actually was and dangerously leaning over the guard rails, swinging the bottle in one hand.

“Really? I was actually considering jumping off.”

Jaebum gives him a drunken smile and Jinyoung’s balls up his fists at his sides. He would push Jaebum back and engulf him in a hug if they were teenagers once again, if they were friends then Jinyoung would have scolded him for saying stupid shits like that.

But all their ties were severed when Jaebum left him or more like he made Jaebum leave him. Either way it didn’t matter anymore.

“Just be careful,” Jinyoung murmurs, not sure if Jaebum hears it or not.

“Fuck off. I don’t want your talks of concern. Hell, I believe I need to gouge my eyes out to stop finding your face everywhere I go,’ Jaebum grimaces setting down the champagne bottle careless at the corner of the room.

The roof was darker except a few incandescent glowing here and there and mostly illuminated by the nightlights of the city. And Jinyoung was torn between leaving Jaebum like that and staying there to ensure his safety.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean trouble. If I wasn’t invited I wouldn’t have been here.”

Jaebum bursts into a scary fit of laughter and Jinyoung knew it was full of pain and anger.

“You never mean trouble do you? And yet you are always showing up everywhere I go, in my most important days, with this goddamn face of yours. I just…”

Jaebum stops mid sentence, a little unsteady on his feet when he approaches Jinyoung and the other boy simply stands there frozen like a block of ice. Despite of being drunk, Jaebum was strong like always and he proves it by slapping Jinyoung square across his face. Jinyoung wasn’t ready for any of it and ends up splitting his inner cheeks open. Blood wells up inside his mouth and he has to put a hand against his cheek and spit out.

Jinyoung is mortified, shaken and humiliated all at once. But even before he can react properly to it or maybe think off a fitting comeback, Jaebum fists his hand into Jinyoung’s hair and closes his mouth over his.

Jinyoung immediately starts fighting for air as he feels all the oxygen getting sucked out of his lungs. In between trying to stop whatever was happening, he clutches Jaebum desperately closer instead. Jaebum’s mouth tastes like the bottle of expensive champagne he had just finished and Jinyoung subconsciously allows his hands to travel upto Jaebum’s back and hold him closer.

Jinyoung realized that he was famished and he did wanted a proper kiss because the first time they has joined their lips together it was in the course of Jinyoung trying to save Jaebum’s life. The second time he licked over Jaebum’s skin and tasted the salt from his body, it was on blind impulse. The third time, Jaebum had broken the seal of their friendship with a brief parting kiss.

None of that was enough or appropriate for Jinyoung.

But Jaebum wasn’t in his right mind and their lips and tongues probing into each other’s mouth were less than normal as well.

Jinyoung comes to his senses when Jaebum bites down hard on his lips breaking the skin easily and Jinyoung suppresses a scream into his mouth.

Jaebum was trying to feast on his flesh while being drunk just like he had climbed into Jaebum’s bed when he was down with fever.

_It’s the same reason. All the pent up frustration._

Jinyoung pushed him away first. Jaebum stumbles back and almost falls on his butt. Jinyoung’s blood is smeared all over his chin and lips. He watches Jaebum spit out a horrid mix of their fluids and wipe his mouth with the cuffs of his suit.

Jinyoung wants to cry and he wants to hit Jaebum. There is so much confusion and frustration between them that he fails to do anything at all and instead stands on one spot shaking like an autumn leaf.

Jaebum might have tried to say something, but he looks away to pay attention to the appearance of a third person in the scene.

Jinyoung follows his gaze as well and finds a familiar face. He doesn’t know the name but he knows the face well. Because Jinyoung had spent countless days watching her kiss Jaebum from the other side of the street.

Jinyoung feels like a pathetic criminal all of a sudden, a good for nothing whore, putting his hands on something which was never his to start with.

  


	12. 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do check out my other jjproject story savage kingdom as well. i think it's better written tbh lol.  
> enjoy

 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t ponder much upon what went down between him and Jaebum during their last encounter on the roof and how Jaebum’s assumed girlfriend might have witnessed their whole act.

Afterall, he didn’t make the first move, Jaebum did.

Instead he decided to move on. He absolutely couldn’t let his adulthood mess up like his teenage years. Also after that incident, Jinyoung surprisingly doesn’t get a glimpse of Jaebum through the year.

At 26, Jinyoung finds himself piecing back his life together as well as nursing a wounded heart back to health. But as usual there is a problem and this time, it isn’t Jaebum.

Jinyoung meets a Thai boy whose loud and flamboyant attitude brings out another side of his persona which has been suppressed for a long time now. He befriends Bambam, the said boy from Thailand who never takes no for an answer. And as a result, Jinyoung finds himself being a part of the city’s nightlife. His weekends always included attending parties, drinking and going to strip clubs and much more.

Bambam would often dress something fit for his personality. Clothes in vibrant colors, sequins and laces, eye shadows on point and lips glossed to the extreme plumpness. Jinyoung began observing him without being obvious or rude and he felt something.

He felt envious, maybe a tinge of admiration as well. Jinyoung wanted to be a different person altogether, step out of his skin and adorn a new persona, even if it’s just for a night. He envied Bambam for sporting a carefree office worker look by day and transforming by the night into something which was considered inappropriate by the masses.

By BamBam never cared.

“Why should I care about the opinions of people who won’t even pay my bills? Come on Jinyoung-ah, you need to loosen up. You need to live your life before it’s too late.”

Bambam would throw his hands over Jinyoung’s shoulder, sipping iced tea and preach.

“You want me to wear makeup?” Jinyoung would crease his brows while speaking.

It sounded off to him and he simply couldn’t picture himself being the life of the party like Bambam, dressed in shiny clothes and flashy makeup. Overall, Bambam was a subtle example of perfect androgyny.

“Look, I don’t want you to do things just because I am pushing you to do it but man, for once, whatever burden you are carrying inside your heart, you need to let it go,” Bambam sips the glass empty and tries to toss the straw in a trash can which he misses.

Jinyoung is alarmed. He has never described what his burden looked like for real. And yet the younger boy knew that Jinyoung wasn’t living his life like a resolved human being.

“I don’t know what I want. But I want this ringing inside my ears to stop. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know.”

Bambam looks at him with sympathy, pats his shoulder and sighs.

“Maybe try forgetting that you are Jinyoung, for once. If you live as a different person for a short while, the worries and so called burdens of your original self might die down. You can breathe.”

Bambam was making sense to him. Jinyoung wanted to breathe so bad and for so long. And he was willing to give it a bold shot atleast for once.

So he meets Bambam at his house one evening, they drink and watch some lame shows on TV until Bambam decides to unveil his wardrobe to Jinyoung.

“Pick anything you like. Be creative and bold. Like literally nobody cares about what other people is wearing in the club anyway. All people do is dress for self pleasure. So you need to dress for yourself as well, try something different that your usual shades.”

Jinyoung takes one look and he immediately decides that even if he wanted to escape him identity as Park Jinyoung, he certainly didn’t want to adapt the fashion sense of Bambam either. He browses through the wardrobe and his hands stop on something pink.

It’s a baby pink frock styled dress and Jinyoung just pauses for a while caressing it.

Bambam peeks above his shoulder.

“You want this? Try it on.”

Jinyoung is quick to refuse. It was a girl’s outfit and he can’t walk around wearing that. But there was something about it that pulled Jinyoung against his better judgment.

“Oh, no. It’s just… I was looking. Is the dress yours as well?”

Bambam shrugs.

“Yeah I wore it a couple of times. There was this young man called Yugyeom and he saw me wearing this dress in the club one day. He approached me and complimented how pretty I looked. But he made it clear that he knew I wasn’t a real chick but he didn’t leave before dropping hints that he expects to meet me again. It was fun.”

“Did you ever see him again?” Jinyoung enquires.

“Yeah twice or thrice maybe. I asked him if he wanted me to dress up as a boy and then meet him but he said no. He liked me in the frock.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung  says.

“Yeah but go ahead. However, don’t do things you are not comfortable with.”

Jinyoung was uncomfortable with only one thing in his life- the existence of Im Jaebum and how his thoughts haunted him. He thinks hard.

Ultimately, Jinyoung slides into the dress with some difficulty hoping that he wasn’t making a mistake as Bambam does some minor fittings on him. But when Jinyoung watches himself in the mirror complete with a dark flowing wig and some tint on his lips, he falls in love with himself for the first time. Jinyoung is proved wrong by himself. He doesn’t look at his decision as a mistake or stupidity anymore.

Jinyoung watches himself as a woman for the first time and he doesn’t hate himself. Subsequently, he wonders if Jaebum might have preferred him like this?

But Jaebum was lost somewhere in the tight crowd of the city and Jinyoung had no way to contact him.

So for the night, Jinyoung locks arms with Bambam and with a bit of hesitation, leaves Park Jinyoung being and makes effort to breathe as someone new.

 

 


	13. 2000 (part one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the italics are thoughts and narration of jinyoung in his female yeojin self

 

 

Jinyoung rediscovered himself, in more than one ways. A year after an experimental outing as a woman with his buddy Bambam, Jinyoung became a much more confident person. He stopped feeling ashamed for what he is and how he is. 

Jinyoung often thinks about his childhood days when he used to dress up as girl in school plays, regarding how the teacher would often say that he looked pretty as a girl. Jinyoung never minded it. However, he was finally happy that with Bambam's help he could finally embrace his true identity as not only a man but as a woman as well. Jinyoung didn't hate himself like the way he was but he certainly loved the feminine part of himself.

Maybe he always had this in him. Except didn't knew what he wanted and why he was awkward and uncomfortable around people. Maybe he had wanted to do this for such a long time.

To be exact, Jinyoung learned how to leave his stress and worries at home, shed his original skin and slide into another avatar to enjoy himself in the weekends. He rarely though about Jaebum which wasn't unusual because he was always occupied. 

Either Bambam would drag him out for shopping or he had classes to take in school. Jinyoung was doubtful at first, regarding Bambam's company but he started observing Bambam through his shining persona. He was a normal boy just like him, mostly burdened with depression and obligations from the side of his family. Never the one to have faith in serious relationships, Bambam was definitely not the right person to turn to for relationship advice. So, Jinyoung never mentioned his ordeals with a certain Im Jaebum.

A couple months later Jinyoung spots Jaebum's face in one of the smaller billboards advertising something people would generally overlook. It was about antiques and some auction report and Jaebum was listed as a curator in one of the categories. Jinyoung doesn't feel bitter anymore, except he checks to see that he is indeed happy for Jaebum's success in life.

He was out in one of the many weekends, dressed in a flowing knee length satin skirt and a decollete blouse. Jinyoung chose his favorite wavy black elbow length wig and added some touch up of subtle makeup. He felt pretty and the moment he stepped into the club he knew he looked pretty indeed because the unsuspecting boys and men would linger their looks on him and some would even offer him drinks.

But whenever Jinyoung is dolled up, he isn't Jinyoung anymore. He leaves Jinyoung behind before leaving his apartment and becomes Yeojin for the night. A charming and beautiful girl who gets the attention of all the males in the clubs and wherever she goes. No one second guesses.

_So Yeojin knows what she wants when the music starts thumping through the bass boosters and the DJ would play the catchiest track of the summer. Yeojin lets go of her inhibition and dances in the middle of the floor, carefree and happy. The club goers would either admire her or give her a judgmental look, some even doubt about her gender but Yeojin doesn't care._

_She has found happiness, if not as Jinyoung then certainly as Yeojin._

_But she should have known. Hiding her identity at night won't help her hide from Jaebum forever._

_And just like that, as decided as Jinyoung cruel fate, Yeojin is discovered by Jaebum._

_Yeojin was dancing by herself after a gentleman she was sharing the dance floor with excuses himself to grab a drink. She didn't care who looked at her and who didn't but Jinyoung's soul inside her alerted Yeojin that there was someone observing her with more concentration than necessary._

_When Yeojin turn round and round, somewhere in the light and darkness altered by the disco ball above, she finds Jaebum. The Jinyoung inside him screams and yells, telling Yeojin to run away at once to avoid any ugly altercation. But Yeojin wouldn't listen. She stopped dancing and stood there on the dance floor, eyes locking with Jaebum standing afar._

Jinyoung can't tell if Jaebum had recognized Yeojin's real self or not but the way he was staring, Jinyoung knew that he suspected something for sure. Jinyoung watches Jaebum put down his drink at the counter and then excuse himself from his bunch of friends. It seemed that he was closing in on Jinyoung.

"Here you go sweetness. Your drink."

Jinyoung snaps out of the activity in the background as the man Yeojin was previously dancing with makes an abrupt appearance with the drink. Jinyoung switches back to his self as Yeojin and smile coyly at him. _Yeojin tries to recall if his name was Marcus or Mark. But she accepts the drink nonetheless and allows him to warp a hand over her waist and sway slowly to the soothing rhythm and blue music switch. But then everything dissolves in an ugly commotion._

_Yeojin watches the man dancing with him getting yanked away by his shirt collar and thrown down on the floor and another man towering over him. It takes the Jinyoung inside him less than one second to identify the attacker as Jaebum who was almost breathing fire, his chest falling up and down in rage and hair in a mess._

"What the...Who the fuck are you?" the Marcus or Mark guy shouts, still down on the floor.

"Stay away. Do you hear me?" Jaebum throws a pointer at him and warns in a strict tone. 

Thats when Jinyoung realizes completely that Jaebum has definitely recognized him. It's a small world afterall.

As expected the bouncers appear and grab a hold of Jaebum as the abused guy complains continuously. _Yeojin watches Jaebum forcefully ejected out of the club and when her previous dance partner tries to coax Yeojin back to the mood, she pulls away._

"I am sorry. i can't...I am sorry."

_She leaves behind an awestruck Marcus or Mark and run out of the club at once. Yeojin rubs at her temple to put Jinyoung into action and Jinyoung thinks that he should call Bambam. Coming out alone without him was a bad idea enough. but Jinyoung never gets the chance._

Jaebum is there pull him swiftly by his arm to the point of breaking it and he keeps dragging him until they reach the deserted parking lot of the club. Jinyoung's throat dry up, the heels make it difficult for him to walk and he stumbles every two steps but Jaebum doesn't look back until he is slamming Jinyoung against a graffiti strewn wall.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing? What is this?" he clutches the hem of the skirt Jinyoung wore and gave it a rough tug. Jinyoung manages to free his clothes from Jaebum's grip somehow, still shaking and on the verge of tears.

He curses his fate and god overhead. Jinyoung can't believe that not only Jaebum has found him in a female attire but also he seemed disgusted at the way he looked like. Deep down, Jinyoung wished if only Jaebum would look at him as lovingly as he used to do all those summers ago.

"Answer me goddamn it. What are you trying to do dressing up like this? Huh? What are you trying to prove?"

Jaebum shouts again and Jinyoung knows he has to fight back this time. It's now or never. Jaebum still has to pay for his slap anyway.

"I am not trying to prove anything. Atleast not to you. I am doing whatever I like and you don't own me Jaebum so don't act like it."

Jaebum scoffs, pacing around a small area, overwhelmed by anger and what not.

"Stop interfering in my life. Do you understand? Let go off me."

But again, Jinyoung should have known that he just couldn't walk away like that.

"No. Not this time."

As soon as the words leave Jaebum's mouth, Jinyoung is throws easily over his shoulders and tossed or more like shoved into the backseat of a black car and the doors are locked on Jinyoung's face. He is too slow with his reflexes and spinning in a whirlpool of confusion he simply watches Jaebum taking the driver's seat and pulling the car out of the parking.

Jinyoung shouts and tries to hit Jaebum as well but the partition between the back and the front is rolled up and Jinyoung finds himself trapped in a small claustrophobic space, hyperventilating and crying bitterly.

His fate, for the first time in many years, was undecided.


	14. 2000 (part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wigs are getting snatched tonight kids!!  
> angst level = intense

Jaebum uses the same intensity of force to extract Jinyoung out of the car once they are parked in some building’s underground parking lot. Jinyoung realizes that his kicking and screaming is futile as Jaebum’s death grip on him gets tighter by the minute.

Jinyoung is forcibly made to ride the elevator to the top floors where for the first time he gets a clean view of Jaebum’s posh lifestyle and sorted life.

Unlike his.

But Jinyoung is terrified about whatever is awaiting for him. Will Jaebum beat him up or do something even worse? For once in his life, he starts hating Jaebum for forcibly bringing him somewhere without his will. So Jinyoung composes himself and waits for the right opportunity to bolt out.

But situation takes an unexpected turn.

Jinyoung can’t imagine how horrible he might be looking with his mascara melting down his cheeks and the lip tint smudged all over his chin in an ugly fashion. His wig was in a dirty disheveled mess as well and Jinyoung finds the strap of his stiletto almost torn off.

He slumps on the floor, heaving and cowering away from Jaebum who paces around aimlessly, terrifying Jinyoung even more.

“Why Jinyoung? What happened to you? What are you trying to do? For God’s sake answer me.”

Jaebum is practically begging, Jinyoung can sense in the way his voice quivers and breaks.

“I don’t want to have a single conversation with you. You let me go this once or I’ll file a complaint against you for harassment.”

Jaebum laughs wildly at Jinyoung’s threat. Jinyoung looks up from the floor, glaring at Jaebum who didn’t look any better than him either.

“You’ll never change will you? Forever defensive for the shittiest reasons. For the sake of the friendship we once had, I need an answer Jinyoung. What are you doing with your life?”

Jinyoung blinks a couple of times and frowns at Jaebum, unsure if he heard the question properly or not.

“I am sorry but I don’t think that’s your business. I am doing whatever makes me happy. And why the hell are you concerned anyway? The friendship we had between us was wiped out the day you slapped me.”

“Wrong.”

“What?” Jinyoung snaps back.

“Our friendship didn’t wipe out that day I slapped you Jinyoung. It wiped out the day when you refused to confess that you love me. When was the last time you have been honest to yourself?”

Jinyoung knows the answer. He doubles up his enthusiasm to answer.

“I am being honest to myself now. Look at me. This is who I am. I am not just Jinyoung, I am Yeojin as well. And I am not going to give you or anybody else a single explanation.”

Jaebum scans Jinyoung from top to bottom.

He laughs.

“This is fake. You are just hiding yourself from the world because you can’t deal with your real self and the baggage that comes along with it.”

Jinyoung is pushed to the brink of tears once again.

“Go to hell.”

Jinyoung shouts uselessly, tears already stinging at the base of his eyes. What can he say when Jaebum isn’t entirely wrong. Yeojin was a skin Jinyoung wore to forget the baggage that came along with Jinyoung for real.

And Jaebum is back at it, yanking him up by his arms and trying to drag him away to somewhere once again. Jinyoung wasn’t having any of it this time. He scratches, punches and even tries to bite Jaebum’s arms at which the man in suit hisses in pain but he refuses to let go of his hold. Jinyoung leaves a clear double crescent mark formed by his dentures on Jaebum’s forearm. He can even spot a trickle of blood seeping out of it.

_An eye for an eye, a wound for a wound. It was a fitting gift for Jaebum who bit opened his lips last year._

Jaebum pulls him into the bathroom and practically tears off the women’s clothing from his back like a hyena mauling his prey. Jinyoung keeps screaming his throat raw until he can’t anymore. He simply shuts up and gives up on his struggle, knowing he can never win again Jaebum’s strength. And Jaebum proceeds to strip him naked, turn on the shower and gets himself in as well. His expensive suit and trousers get drenched along with Jinyoung’s supple flesh.

His movements and grips are angry as he begins scrubbing Jinyoung from top to bottom brutally and Jinyoung feels his might lose his epidermis. His wig is discarded over the wash basin and then Jaebum lathers up some soap and begins cleaning his face to get rid of the horrendous condition of the makeup.

Jaebum’s pinches his face between his pointer and thumb and rubs a piece of washcloth over Jinyoung’s lips.

“When I left you I thought you will be better off without me. Your words almost made me believe that you were saying the truth. But then I see you making out with a girl, I see you waiting tables, I see you dressed as a woman and I fucking see you everywhere. I told you that I don’t want to see your face and yet you kept appearing everywhere. How funny is that?”

Jinyoung hears Jaebum dig out their past and tries to turn his face away but Jaebum is still rubbing his face harshly.

“I know self destructive tendencies when I see it Jinyoung. I know because I have been in that phase as well and maybe because I still am. But you, you take the trophy.”

Jinyoung is finally allowed to breathe as he stands shaking at a corner, trying to hide his privates with his hands as Jaebum returns after fetching a towel.

“So you destroy yourself moping over me and then make me watch and believe this is your idea of fun? You are fucking sick.”

Jinyoung swallows the pain and humiliation in silence. How can he tell Jaebum and explain him rationally that he never meant to cross his path.

_It was just their fate. They were intertwined together._

And when his skin is rubbed raw and red, Jinyoung is pulled out of the bathroom, a towel around his waist and made to sit on the bed as Jaebum kneels in front of him.

It’s a reminiscence of the time when Jinyoung had done the same and Jaebum was the one who was sick.

Maybe Jaebum is right. Maybe he is still sick with that fever which Jaebum left him with.

Jaebum is breathing heavily and so is Jinyoung. They don’t have words for each other. Jaebum speaks first.

“I will make a promise to you right here, right now. I’ll leave this country and I’ll never be a part of your life if you can tell me for once, just once. Why did you reject me? Why did you deny that you love me? Fool.”

Jinyoung is confused. He doesn’t know where to start. The age old memory is kinda cloudy. So he mumbles something for the time being anyway. He had to get out of there; he had to get out quick anyhow.

“Because maybe I believed that you won’t love me for who I am? Look at us now, look at how disgusted you were a moment ago when you saw me in those clothes. That Jinyoung is long gone Jaebum who once wanted your approval, who wanted to please you and cared about your opinion. I love myself the way I am and I don’t think you’ll love me for being myself.”

The truth is out. Years and years of buried questions are answered and Jaebum stares at his face blankly.

He doesn’t stop Jinyoung when he wordlessly borrows a shirt and a trouser from Jaebum’s wardrobe and prepares to leave.

“Don’t worry. I send your clothes back to your address. Can’t take favors from you anymore. Sorry.”

That’s what Jinyoung says before leaving Jaebum behind.


	15. 2001

It will be an understatement for Jinyoung to say that he didn’t feel lighter after confessing the long strained truth to Jaebum.

Life went on, Jinyoung didn’t return the borrowed clothes as promised and Jaebum repeatedly tried to contact him after obtaining his phone number from somewhere.

At one point Jinyoung thought that it was enough. He showed his true self to Jaebum and he had no reason to hide from him anymore. Though Jaebum’s reaction after finding him in female outfit terrified Jinyoung as well, he didn’t give a damn about owing Jaebum an explanation anymore.

So he finally decided to meet Jaebum on a Saturday night. Saturdays were Yeojin’s days and nights to come alive. Jinyoung would never sacrifice Yeojin for the sake of pleasing Jaebum anymore. Either Jaebum will accept him as he is or he won’t. But Jinyoung won’t chance. Not for anyone other than himself.

He throws on a dress, the most comfortable and his favorite one. Jinyoung had been doing this for a while now and he had built a bigger wardrobe than Bambam. It wasn’t easy to choose but he wanted to be at his confident best while facing Jaebum again. It has already been a few months into the New Year but the city still looked like it was celebrating something.

Jinyoung is all dressed up for the evening. Transformed as Yeojin, he takes it upon himself to book a table at a fancy restaurant as well. Jinyoung not only goes out to walk among the posh public in his female attire but also communicates with them freely.

After years and years of confusion with his own image and body and being a not so sociable creature, Jinyoung has finally embraced his second persona with confidence.

So Yeojin goes out to find Jaebum already ahead of time waiting for her or more exactly, him. Yeojin can read the surprise on his face upon finding out that the expected Jinyoung hasn’t showed up.

Jaebum looks older than his age of 28. Maybe it’s because of the ways his hair was styled immaculately or maybe it’s the dryness of his facial expression. But he doesn’t say much, escorting Yeojin inside the restaurant like any gentleman would.

They find their reserved seat and Jinyoung decides to break the awkwardness by flashing a sweet smile. Jaebum is still observing him as Yeojin, drinking in the details of her face and outfit. He still doesn’t know how to react this time.

When Jaebum first found Jinyoung like that, his first thought was horrendous. He flat out believed that Jinyoung has come down to prostitution and that’s how low he has fallen. The severed communication between them didn’t give Jaebum enough room to interrogate further with decency and hence he used forced and basically kidnapped Jinyoung back to his apartment.

That wasn’t the boy he fell in love with. Behind the lip gloss, smudged mascara and fit inside red stiletto, there was the sweet and hesitant Jinyoung.

But he had seen a glimpse of Jinyoung’s passion about dressing up as a girl which he couldn’t understand unless Jinyoung had explained.

So he jumps head first into the topic.

“Thank you for showing up.”

“No problem. So go ahead. You wanted to talk?”

“Yes um…”

Watching Jaebum fumble around for the right words Jinyoung takes his chance as Yeojin.

“Do I look pretty?”

“What?”

“It’s not a tough question Jaebum. I asked if I look pretty in your eyes?”

Jaebum tells the truth.

“You do but…”

“But you don’t understand why did I choose to do this?”

“Yes. I mean no…I mean yes I want to understand.”

Yeojin crosses her legs underneath the table and their knees brush against each other.

“Because this is me Jaebum. This is how I have always been. And now that I have finally decided to be true to my own self, somewhere deep down, I wished you would like me like the way I am. I guess that’s what love is about right?”

“Oh you are talking about love now,” Jaebum leans back, though mildly offending Yeojin with a scoff.

“Yes. I am talking about love. We were kids back then Jaebum. Did we really understand love? Hell, I didn’t even understand myself. I was scared that I’ll reciprocate your feelings and then one day you’ll find out about my fantasies and reject me. I wasn’t ready for heartbreak back then and I am not ready for heartbreak now.”

Jaebum doesn’t reply for the longest time. Their orders arrive and Yeojin begins scooping food into her mouth with poise. Jaebum is still observing her.

“You are too quick to judge right? I said I love you and you went ahead to predict our entire future as you wished? No doubt you have always been a little dumb. No offense ma’am.”

The ma’am he adds at the end of the line is full of mockery and Yeojin can see through that. She does take offense.

“Look,” Yeojin drops her chopsticks on the plate as she takes a look at the untouched food in Jaebum’s plate. “If your intention is to poke fun at me throughout the evening then let me know. I’ll leave. I don’t have time for this.”

“Yeah right, you never had time for me anyway. It was always about you and your insecurities and everything. I don’t even know how much I matter to you anymore but I just want to let you know that this has always mattered to me.”

Yeojin is confused at whatever Jaebum was trying to refer to, until he fishes out a very old but still intact handmade apology card from inside his suit and puts it on the table. Jaebum uses his pointer to slide it over to Yeojin’s side.

As soon as Yeojin takes one look at it, Jinyoung goes back to that quiet afternoon when he had spent making the card with so much effort. And how Jaebum had taken the small glittering heart sign inside the card literally.

Jinyoung always loved Jaebum, he was just too naïve and in Jaebum’s words, dumb to understand it in time.

“Shouldn’t have drawn this stupid little heart on the card right? I wish I could hear it from you once that you love me as well but I guess whatever feeling you had for me is long gone now. I can’t take back how I took you to my apartment against you will and how I kissed and slapped you on that goddamn roof, once more, against your will but if I had to do one last thing against your consent for the last time, I’d like to kiss you and tell you that I’ve never stopped thinking about you. That I never stopped loving you.”

“I know.”

Yeojin’s reply is accompanied by a drop of tear escaping her eyes. Gosh if Jaebum could kiss Jinyoung right then and there, in the middle of the restaurant, he would. Jinyoung was beautiful and Yeojin, even better. The spark that Jinyoung lacked, Yeojin had it all. The confidence and boldness that Jinyoung lacked, Yeojin got it as her strength. And above all, Jaebum was happy that Jinyoung was able to come out of that small town and from his shell.

“You know?” Jaebum surprisingly questions back.

“Yes I know you love me but…”

“But you can’t love me back. Yeah I figured.”

The disappointment in Jaebum’s voice is clear but the Jinyoung inside Yeojin doesn’t want him to get disappointed. They are grown adults now, way past foolish teenage hormones overtaking them. They knew how to take wise decisions.

“Can we not do this in the restaurant please? Let’s just take a walk outside?”

Jaebum complies to Yeojin’s request. The bills get paid as they stroll outside to a nearby playground overlooking a pond.

“Please walk slower,” Yeojin says, falling behind Jaebum who has his hand tucked in the pockets of his trouser and maintaining a good distance to avoid offending Yeojin again.

“The heels are killing me,” Yeojin complains as she comes to Jaebum’s level.

Jaebum smiles for the first time that night.

“I thought you have been doing this for a while now. Didn’t get used to it yet?”

“These are new heels. I wore it…especially for tonight.”

Jaebum can guess what she meant.

“Cheers to our first weird and unpleasant date then.”

Yeojin doesn’t say anything until they are sitting down on a bench.

“Are you ashamed of me Jaebum?”

“No. Why do you think I was ashamed of you?”

“You looked disgusted as well when you saw me like this for the first time.”

Jaebum rubs at his temple.

“That was just…me trying to handle a shock I guess. I thought, you were…please don’t mind me saying this…but I thought you were prostituting yourself.”

Yeojin laughs. A melodious jingle in her tone, relatively lighter than Jinyoung’s.

“Then I would have started prostituting myself when I lost my job. But I chose to be a busboy. I have a sense of dignity Jaebum and I am not that desperate for money.”

“Oh I see. I am sorry.”

“So, what now?”

Yeojin’s question is the most reasonable one of the night. Jaebum has to answer it anyway.

“I’ll leave it on you to decide. I have done enough things against your wish already.”

The Jinyoung inside Yeojin can see the genuine gesture of Jaebum to let her make decision for herself. Whether or not they’ll see each other past this date was entirely upto Yeojin and Jinyoung.

“Jaebum look at me.”

Yeojin turns Jaebum’s face towards her putting a palm against his cheek. It feels warm underneath her touch. Jaebum looks at her with guilt in his eyes.

**_“If you love me as I am, I’ll love you as I’ve always loved you.”_ **


	16. 2002

Jaebum decided to let go of the past and take a crucial step to mend his relationship with Jinyoung. For he wasn’t in a relationship with a boy but also a girl called Yeojin who shared Jinyoung’s body and only came out during the weekends.

Yeojin started coming out more frequently afterwards as Jinyoung realized he could get comfortable with Jaebum and that he can trust him.

Jaebum was pretty unsettled at first, he won’t lie. He has been gay as long as he can remember. Though having a fling with a chick from workplace was a stupid yet necessary means to cover up the fact that he was gay.

In some ways, Jaebum has been hiding from the world as well.

They started going out on dates and little trips whenever they were free from their respective works. Jinyoung would go out as himself or as Yeojin depending on his mood.

And as they officially started dating, Jaebum took time outs by himself to wonder what could be the future of their relationship. He hopes it’s nothing negative like the one Jinyoung has predicted so foolishly a long time ago.

But they are 29 now, closing on 30. Jaebum had to earn his place in Jinyoung’s life permanently. He couldn’t let Jinyoung doubts and fears get in the way.

So they were just having one of the domestic evenings where Jinyoung would come over, dressed as Yeojin. In a silk shorts and a spaghetti top, her hair bouncing loose over his back, going about the kitchen and preparing a humble dinner as Jaebum watched her from afar.

Somewhere behind the dusted blush on Yeojin’s cheek, there is Jinyoung, the boy he fell in love with. And now for the sake of the same boy, Jaebum has to learn how to love a feminine figure.

He took the challenge, though he preferred Jinyoung dressed in denims and shirts over skirts and blouse.

“Here, dinner is ready. Hurry up before it gets cold.”

Yeojin chirps from the dining and for a second, Jaebum almost hates how Jinyoung deliberately thins out his voice to accommodate to the persona of Yeojin.

When Jaebum makes it to the table, Yeojin serves him his meal with care and the sweetest smile Jaebum has seen falling out of her lips.

As they finish the meal, Jaebum begins small chit chat.

“Jinyo… Yeojin-ah,” he quickly corrects himself.

Yeojin looks up from her plate.

“Want to stay here tonight?”

Jaebum has never asked her this before. They’ve been hanging out at each other’s apartments but not staying over, agonizingly keeping physical touches to the minimum and courting each other in old school fashion perhaps. And Jaebum hated how it was progressing.

But Yeojin’s face lights up and she agrees immediately. Jaebum wasn’t expecting that actually. He knows that Jinyoung has strong feelings for him and he hopes that atleast Yeojin is more capable of expressing those feeling if not Jinyoung.

“I will. If it’s not a problem, I guess.”

“I wouldn’t have asked you if it was a problem,” Jaebum huffs and proceed to help her with cleaning the dishes.

The whole sexual tension which has been building up for years and years is there in the room, suffocating them. And this time, even Yeojin can feel it. She wonders if Jaebum will make a move on her while she is dressed as a girl.

Won’t it be weird for him to screw someone who is passing off as a girl?

But as soon as Yeojin is done putting the last dish away after washing it, her questions are answered all at once.

Jaebum drops to his knees, spins Yeojin around and buries his face into her crotch. But he knows he will find Jinyoung between her legs atleast. And Jaebum has never been fond of anything other than dicks. Before Yeojin can choke on a gasp, Jaebum is ripping down the silk shorts and swallowing Jinyoung’s member whole, slowly sucking and lapping him to hardness.

“Jaebum gosh…”

“Don’t tell me to stop, please. Not now,’ Jaebum replies in a breathy whisper, fingers digging into Jinyoung’s hipbones and mouth engulfing his cock.

And soon they are kissing and groping their way to Jaebum’s bedroom and when Jaebum falls on top of Jinyoung, he asks the most crucial question.

“Are you going to fuck me while I look like this?”

Jaebum gives him one look. Those big brown eyes, that all that matters and nothing else. The innocent face, devoid of any signs of impurity, that’s what matters, not what Jinyoung chooses to dress up like.

“I don’t care, Jinyoung. I don’t care. I just love you so much and it fucking hurts to keep distancing myself from you. If you don’t want this then I’ll let go.”

Jaebum is kissing and sucking his way down Jinyoung’s throat and he hardly has time to hear what he answers.

“I…I want this. Please, I want you.”

That’s all the green light Jaebum needed to move forward. Inside the four walls, Jaebum fucks Jinyoung for the first time on his back, both of them shuddering and panting to ride out their orgasm as they call it a day.

And when Yeojin wakes up in the morning, in a messed up bed sticky with cum and sweat, she watches Jaebum lying on his stomach.

She smiles looking at him, knowing that Jaebum has finally completely accepted both Jinyoung and Yeojin in his life.

 


	17. 2003

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT'S THE END OF THIS STORY.   
> HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING IT.
> 
> LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS SHOULD I REPOST THE SAVAGE KINGDOM STORY OR NOT...IF ANYONE IS WILLING TO READ ANOTHER JJP LONG FICTION.
> 
> THANK YOU

It’s the summer of 2003.

 And it feels like an eternity since they first met, since Jaebum first showed up in their neighborhood, since the first time they went for a swim, since they fell in love and tortured each other endlessly over the years.

Jinyoung is panting on top of Jaebum, an equally spent and exhausted Jaebum underneath him after a passionate session of sex. Jaebum can’t complain that he loved Jinyoung being all dominant and Yeojin being submissive in alternating times.

Jinyoung rolls over and falls on his back besides Jaebum, who still has his eyes closed, breathing through his mouth in pure bliss. Jinyoung can keep looking at him for the rest of his life.

They are about to step in their 30s and all the 15 years has contributed to build their relationship to what it is now. They have been together and living together, happy and content. It has been a long journey of acceptance and commitment.

“Jinyoung-ah.”

Jinyoung picks himself up on his elbows immediately.

“Yes, do you need something? Wait I’ll fetch a towel and clean you up.”

Jaebum grabs Jinyoung’s wrist, stopping him from stepping down from the bed.

“I want you to be mine, forever.”

“I am already yours and yes that is forever indeed,” Jinyoung giggles and Jaebum discovers that quaint little teenager in him to be still alive.

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“So?”

“I want to make it official. Put a ring around your finger.”

Jinyoung could swear he had stopped breathing for a good ten seconds. He takes a sizeable moment to digest what he heard.

Was it for real?

Was Jaebum actually proposing him for marriage?

“Are you having second thoughts?”

Jaebum sits up as well, trying to read the awestruck face of his boyfriend. Jinyoung says nothing except throwing his hands around Jaebum’s neck and climbing on his lap, crying a flood.

“Jinyoung-ah? Jinyoung-ah, what’s wrong?” Jaebum is concerned and why won’t he be.

That might be the sensitive Yeojin peeking out at that moment.

“Everything is perfect. Nothing is wrong. Turns out I was just an over thinker.”

Jinyoung wipes his face, sniffles and smiles at the same time. And Jaebum has his answer.

They stay like that for a while in the bed, soaking in the warmth from each other’s skin and thanking the gods above that Jinyoung stupid’s teenage predictions and estimations were nothing but a false alarm.

The world is finally a better place for both of them as they look forward to their bright new future.

 


End file.
